The Past

"I was an angst-y journal writing kid." -Justin Halpern

Do you guys keep a journal? Or do you ever go back and read old blog entries? Like, REALLY old blog entries?

I kept a journal when I was younger. I wasn't really ever good at it, except for a period of about a year or two. My current journal has writing up to page 80-something, and my first entry when when I first found out I was pregnant with Andrew. Yes, that would be 4+ years ago.

I mentioned in a previous blog post that I stumbled upon my old blog on Xanga.com. I don't know why, but I am totally caught up in the old things I wrote. Unfortunately, not a whole lot is really left of all my blog entries, because I went through and deleted a lot my freshman(ish) year of college because I was afraid of people finding out my personal information and scamming me. What's funny is that blogging is a LOT more popular now, I'm using a really popular blogging site where my blog is not private, and my old Xanga account hasn't been touched by practically anyone since I stopped using it a few years ago. Most people don't even know the site exists. I shouldn't have been worried about it.

Anyway, I've been spending some time going through my blog from oldest entry to newest, and I'm almost having an identity crisis. The way I wrote down how things were going is not quite how I remember them going from my personal memory. See, THIS is exactly why you need to have a journal - so you'll remember things more accurately! Ok. Not only that, but I was a much cooler person back then than I am now. I was really positive a lot of the time. I always had a smile on my face. I thought I had a hard time making friends, but then I look at the comments, and I had a LOT of friends in high school! I wish I had appreciated them more.

I'm not sure exactly what I'm trying to get at. Except maybe this: I sometimes wonder if the person who wrote those blog entries so many years ago would be disappointed with the person I am today. Because today, I feel like a whiny, tired, negative, lazy little girl who gets down on herself way too much.

What do you do to turn yourself around? If you find yourself whining, what do you to do help change your attitude? When you want to be lazy all the time (and I mean ALL the time), what do you do to get yourself motivated to get up and do something? Because I need help - help measuring up to the person I wanted to be when I was younger.

If you're interested in taking a peek into my life as a high school student, HERE is my very first blog post on my Xanga. To get to the more interesting posts (give it a month or two of entries - don't worry! There aren't a ton), click on the "newer" link at the top of the entry.

No secret today. If this whole entry isn't a secret, I'm not sure what is.

Just for Kicks and Giggles

I found another poem I wrote. I'm happy I found it too, because I remember feeling really proud of it, for some reason. According to my Xanga blog, I wrote it my freshman year of high school.

Here it is. Enjoy.

Blizzard


How we got here, I don't know
Because all I can recall
Is the wind
Combing its icy fingers
Through my hair
And the snow
Crunching beneath
Our traveling feet
And the warmth of your hand
Holding mine tight
Like you don't ever want to let go
And that is fine with me
Because without you
And your love
I'd be lost in a snowstorm
Instead of here
Enjoying being lost in love

Poetry

"A poem begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness." -Robert Frost

Have you guys ever heard of Xanga? Well, I hardly recognize it now, but when I was in high school, it was a popular site for kids my age to blog on. Every once in a while, I'll go back to my old Xanga blog and read some of my old posts. It was hard to go back to the beginning of my blog because they didn't have a calendar on there for a long time, but they finally put one up!

It's kinda fun to look back at my old posts and see how much I've changed, and yet how much I'm the same.

Anyway, I stumbled upon an entry where I posted a poem I had written at some point. I posted it in 2004, and I'm assuming I wrote it around then. I wanted to share it here, partly to get your opinions, and partly so I wouldn't lose it. Tell me what you think.

Insomniac

I can't sleep at night

Your face comes back to me

Every time I close my eyes

Your smile haunts me

While I toss and turn

When I start to doze

The tears roll down your face

And I snap awake, my own cheeks wet

I can't sleep at night

I won't let myself sleep

Because when I do

That's when the nightmare begins

That's when I see you turn

And walk away from me forever

I guess I'm a voluntary insomniac

Because I slept just fine

Until I let you go

Kinda sad, huh? At that point in my life, I didn't even have personal experience with this! But I had some really strong emotions that I think I was kinda repressing - a depression of sorts, and a fear of sharing myself with others because I felt ditsy and silly when I opened my mouth (I had a tendency to speak before thinking, therefore saying some really stupid stuff). I wrote a lot of sad poems. They seemed to come easily to me.

Do you guys write poetry? Or did you when you were younger?

Secret: I used to write poetry ALL THE TIME. I really wish I had held on to more of it...

Ok, that's not much of a secret. Here's one (sorry it's long...):

Secret: When I was in 7th or 8th grade, I had a lesson in Young Women's where we wrote a letter to ourselves, then sealed it in an envelope that we weren't supposed to open until we turned 18 or graduated high school or started college or something. Some future date. Anyway, I loved the idea of writing to myself a lot, knowing I would understand how hard things were for me when pretty much no one else would. So. Instead of writing just the one letter, I wrote a LOT of letters to myself over a period of probably 4 years and kept them all in a manila envelope in my room. I wrote my deepest secrets I felt I didn't have anyone else to tell, I wrote about the exciting things happening in my life, my embarrassments, my pain. Now, in all honesty, I can't say where that envelope is. I wish I did. I probably threw it away, which at the time probably would have made sense in my head because I wouldn't want ANYONE to find it and know who I really was... But now I wish I had it again.

Heat + 4th of July + Day 12

"Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation." -Kin Hubbard

So. What is UP with this weather? First, we have a really mild winter, a somewhat short-lived spring, and now our summer is turning Ohio into a literal sauna. It's awful. I hate going outside, so I don't. My poor boys. In the winter, I kept thinking, "Oh, I'll take them outside when it gets warmer." And then it suddenly got scalding hot, and now I keep thinking, "Oh, I'll take them outside when it gets cooler."

I've decided that we're either going to live on the west coast of the United States, where the ocean currents keep the weather really temperate, or in the UK/Ireland. My parents were in the UK for a couple weeks a few weeks ago, and even though it was June, they were wearing sweaters and jackets and saying it was chilly. *sigh* Sounds perfect right about now.

This is what it feels like! Well, plus humidity. Ugh!

Because of the weather, we really haven't been up to a whole lot: babysitting, discovering new shows on Netflix streaming, reading lots of books, trying to figure out what to do in all this heat...

The good thing is, on the third of July every year in Columbus, they have a big fireworks show called Red White and Boom! A bunch of people from church got together at the top of a parking garage on campus to watch the show, and we had a great time! The boys ran around with other kids, played with sparklers, we ate lots of good food and had fun talking with people from the ward. And, of course, the fireworks were wonderful. Here are a couple pictures from that adventure:

Running to me

Sparklers! This was his very first time, and he was a little confused as to what he was supposed to do with it...

Andrew and his good friend Carson watching the fireworks.

David pointing at the fireworks. This was the first time he'd ever seen any!

On the 4th of July, we spent time with my parents and my sister's family. We went out to eat, but my mom wasn't feeling well, so she wasn't able to come. It also meant that we only spent a couple hours together, and then everyone went home to spend the evening with their own little families. It was a little sad, and we didn't get to see any more fireworks or the parade or anything, but maybe we will next year.

David enjoyed sitting with Grandpa during our lunch.

David found someone's slip at my parents' house and put it on! He got angry when we tried to take it off. Haha!

Aaaand we've done a whole lot of not-so-much since then. Jason's had a couple nights where he got emergency jobs just as we were getting the boys ready for bed, so I've spent a couple evenings alone. I decided to watch the TV show "In It to Win It", the ABC Family gymnastics show. It's pretty good! A little cheesy sometimes, but I don't care. I'm 5 episodes in and loving it. :)

Alright.

Day 12 - Uhhh... I can't tell exactly what it's saying, but I think it's saying, "What do you have as your background on your computer screen?" (This is what it really says: "Screenshot you desktop.")

I took this picture in North Carolina back in March, and it's the background picture on our laptop:

Secret: I hate money. We don't have any. I'm sure that someday I'll be grateful for this time of my life, and that I'll look back and know that it was good for us, but I very much dislike being poor. And being poor with two kids to feed and clothe makes it that much harder. Someone tell me that it's going to get easier, please.