I wish I could be different.

Sometimes being introverted/shy/anti-social really sucks.

Our van had transmission issues. (Yes, this IS related.) We have a friend who used to be a mechanic working on it so we can save money, which is really good, but it means that it's taking FOREVER to get done. He's currently had it for 2 1/2 weeks, and it's our only vehicle.

Fortunately for us, we live close to the church, I got lots of groceries before we gave it to him, and we live decently close to the boys' school.

Unfortunately for us, our friend has had the van for such a long time that we've had to start asking people for help. For example, Austin got sick the other day, and I had to ask a friend if she would run to the store and grab a couple things, including Pedialyte, for us. I HATE asking people for help. She was willing to do it for us, thank goodness, but it almost hurt to ask.

Another example: our food is pretty much gone. My sister-in-law was super-nice and got us a couple things we asked for, and I was excited about the cereal until I saw it wasn't the flavor I liked. I'm suuuuper grateful she went, but I'm still sad I didn't have a way to get to the store myself so I could get exactly what I wanted. I'm picky with my cereal. *sigh*

And of course, I don't have anyone to complain to about it, because complaining to people gives me anxiety. (What if I'm complaining too much? Will they think I'm always this negative? Will they hate me because I'm upset over stupid cereal?) I try to tell Jason, because I HAVE to get it out of my system or it'll fester, but I feel like he thinks I'm not being patient enough with his friend fixing the van. I know I'm not being patient. I have four kids who are crazy, a house that is always messy, no food left in the house, and a tendency to panic when I have to ask people for stuff; patience is not my forte.

*sigh*

All I do on this blog is complain anymore. I don't mean for it to be that way... I just don't feel like I have anyone else to talk to. Sometimes I just need to get these thoughts out of my head, and then I feel better.

Please don't judge me. Eventually I'll have something to post that makes me feel so happy I'll burst if I don't say something here. Until then... all you're going to hear is my truth.

November 8

I wish the election was over. I wish it was tomorrow so I could wake up and it would all be done. I'm just so tired of everyone fighting, of everyone tearing each other apart because they believe something different. It kills me. I just want things to go back to normal, where we don't fight or bully,  and the most important thing we talk about is cupcakes. 😂

*sigh* It'll be over soon enough, and I just hope and pray our country survives it.

Political rant

This election needs to end. I try to not post or talk much about politics on Facebook (or at all, really), because it's SO divisive, and someone ends up being offended by someone else. I usually end up saying something that I perceive as being placating so that we all feel united more than divided, but someone comes and says (generally, not specifically, because passive-aggressive wins everything) that what I just said is wrong or invalidated because of *whatever reason*. And then, being the way I am, I don't have a good response. And I'm crushed that someone that doesn't know me well would say that's i'' a bad person because of something that's deeply ingrained into who I am.

And now you're looking at the screen looking all confused because you have no idea what I'm talking about. *sigh*

So my sister posted this guy's tweet on her Facebook. Since I can't seem to get it posted here while on my phone, I'm just going to tell you what it says: "One moral of this story is that the Republicans should have listened more to the Mormons, the party's designated drivers."

I thought it was funny, but then one of her friends said this: "I just like how republicans have spent the last 20 years, fostering and nurturing racism, xenophobia, lgbtqphobia and classism and have the audacity to act shocked by the current situation in their party." I was kinda taken aback. I'm generally a Republican, but had never seen myself as racist, afraid of people of other nationalities (and discriminating them for it), terrified of lgbtq people (and descriminating them for it), or classist. I try to be a good person and treat others the way I want to be treated. So I replied: "I think it's a little unfair to lump all republicans together that way. Just like there are many many good democrats, there are also many many good republicans who would give their left arm to help any people who fit the profile you described. I can't say I'm shocked by what's been uncovered about Trump, but I AM disappointed that someone of his low caliber has been chosen to represent the Republican Party. That is a huge reason I'm not voting for him."

Is that a bad way to say it? I thought I got my point across that there are good and bad people in every party, but that only some of those from each represent the worst of what they stand for. Or maybe I should'be just said that... Anyway, another girl replied to my comment saying: "I think the problem that the good people who call themselves republicans fail to either realize or fully understand is that the republican platform itself fosters those things Melody. You can't support the party without supporting those things. ;)"

The wink though. What does that mean? I'm already upset that she pretty much said that if you're a republican, there's no redeeming you because you're a horrible person. *sigh* Ok, I know that's not what she meant, and I'm taking offense where I'm sure none was intended. But honestly, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do now. I identify as Republican because that's the party that mostly sticks up for what I believe in - smaller government, smaller spending, less loopholes to jump through to live a decent life on your own terms, among other things. No party is perfect, and there are plenty of things the party stands for that I don't like.

And then there are the things I stand for because I believe God would have me stand for them. If people dislike what I stand for because of that, there's changing that because I won't bend to the pressure of my peers and go against what God has said. People can't take what God has said and say it's wrong just because they want it to be. Life doesn't work that way.

Ugh, I am NOT saying this how I'm meaning for it to be said!

What I'm saying is this: I'm a Republican. I've chosen to align myself with that party because it stands for a lot of things I believe in. Some people might align themselves with the party and do awful things, like be racists. That doesn't mean I am, right? What has the party itself done that makes them racist? Are there some regulations that make it more difficult for Latino Americans, or Asian Americans, or African Americans to do something? And how on earth did I personally have anything to do with that? No one party is perfect! No one PERSON is perfect.

I try to look at everyone available to be voted for and vote for the one that mostly fulfills what I want.  If that person ends up making bad choices, that does NOT make me a bad person.

Again, that's not what I meant to say. Grrr! Why is it so hard to say what I mean?

I think we all have similar goals, but we have different ways of getting to the end goal. We all want to be happy in life, and I want everyone else to be happy too. There may have been some bad results that came from good intentions (hence the racism, xenophobia, etc that has been seen over the last 20 years), but that is not more one party's fault than another, I don't think. If we're going down the sinkhole, it's because everyone has degenerated somehow, and we're all dragging each other down.

I don't know what to do. (And can I say I'm pretty glad no one reads this right about now?

Night Owl

Sometimes I get this insane idea while I'm lying in bed at night. Sometimes, I just want to stay up all night watching movies, reading a book, or doing something stupid on my phone. I wish I could do that, and then sleep in as late as I want the next day. How irresponsible, yet how delicious sounding!

I know I was meant to be a mother to my precious (and crazy) kids, but sometimes my brain and body fight my heart and try to tell me that it wants to be something other than responsible for other people.

You know what my brain and body tell me to do? They tell me to become a hermit and stay in my bedroom all day. And do absolutely nothing. That might sound lonely to some of you, but it sounds absolutely amazing to me at the moment.

Alright. Now that it's 12:40am, I'll be responsible and go to sleep. And I AM really tired. *sigh*

Self-incriminating confession of a not-so-great mom

I've determined that I need a vacation. Is it terrible that sometimes I want to take a vacation without my kids, or even Jason, coming along? Sometimes I want to go away, press a "reset" button, and come home feeling refreshed. And have 10 frozen meals in the freezer, the house completely clean, and completely behaving children.

I wake up every morning to screaming children. I walk out to the living room/dining room/kitchen, look around, and it looks like something blew up: last night's blankets are strewn throughout the room, cereal has been stepped on and smashed into the carpet (and whatever hasn't been smashed has migrated throughout the whole apartment), school papers have made their home over every single couch cushion, last night's dinner plates are still on the table, the kitchen hasn't been wiped down since... well, I can't remember.

Guys. I am SO tired. My almost-3-month-old is mostly sleeping through the night, but she still gets up a couple hours before I feel rested. Nothing ever stays clean. Nothing is ever done! So I ignore it because I'm too tired, and it gets worse and worse... and the baby is crying while I'm trying to clean, and my 5-year-old didn't get dressed so he's late to school, and the 2-year-old won't stop screaming until I pick him up, and I can'5 get the 7-year-old to get off the computer.

I keep telling myself I can do hard things, but I feel like I'm drowning. I'm not living up to what I'm supposed to be. I can't even get myself off the couch without wanting to cry about how much needs to be done. Like the dishes. People say that the chores can "be done later", to "just enjoy your kids", but I'be already put off doing the dishes for three days. We have no more clean bowls or forks, and there's a stink coming from the sink.

Tell me that this doesn't make me a terrible mom. Now that you know the truth - that I'm a combination of lazy and overwhelmed, that I can't seem to find the motivation to do much of my "job" as a stay-at-home mom, that I'd rather read a book than break up another fight - tell me that I'm doing a great job. Tell me that this season of life will also pass. Because I'm already berating myself and guilt fills me every time I fall short. Which is pretty much on a minute-by-minute basis.

Help.

Playing Catch-Up

Holy mackerel, it's been a while!

I don't even know what to talk about. All I know is that I need to do better if this is going to be my "journal-ing place".

Hmmm... Well, let me see...

We spent Christmas last December with Jason's dad and stepmom. That was interesting. We were there for a total of 3 days, I think, and we were planning on staying one more day, but they both came down with some migraines or similar illnesses (due to the weather changing in their area near L.A., plus all the noise the boys made). We decided we'd leave early and let them recover from our visit in peace.

Andrew turned 7 just before New Year's last year. Instead of coming straight home from Dad and Rosie's house, we stopped to stay the night with Holly and Brett, Jason's sister and her husband. It was one of their kids' birthdays too, so we celebrated by going to Chuckie Cheese. Andrew LOVED it.

David turned 5 in February. I don't know that we were able to do much of anything special for him because his birthday was on a Tuesday and both he and Andrew had school, but oh well.

Jason turned 31 in June... I can't recall doing anything...

I'm not sure that anything exciting happened until July after that...

Wow. Pared down like that, our year hasn't been all that eventful!

Well, we DID have a baby in July! AND it was a girl! After all these boys, I was so excited! We named her Evelyn, a name I'd liked since I was young. I admit it - I started liking the name when I watched the movie The Mummy. *sigh* I think I'll always be a little embarrassed to admit that, but her character in the movie is this smart, brave woman, but the name Evelyn was as beautiful as she was, and her brother called her Evie, which I thought was a sweet nickname. So we call our daughter Evie. I think I'll do a separate post talking about her birth.

Then, in September (on our anniversary, actually), my sister Carrie got married! I am so grateful we lived close enough to be able to drive up there for the wedding. If we still lived in Kentucky, I'm sure we would've done everything in our power to be able to go, but I'm not sure if we'd have been able to afford it, especially considering the next thing I'm about to say:

Jason's sister, Shauna, who lives here in St. George, is getting married tomorrow! Again, I think it's been a huge blessing to be able to be here locally to be able to get to know Jarren, her husband-to-be, and to be here for the wedding. Jason and I keep talking about the fact that maybe that's the REAL reason we were prompted to move to this area - to be able to attend the weddings of our last unmarried siblings. That's right: after Shauna gets married tomorrow, we won't have any more weddings in the family until nieces and nephews begin to get married! Wow!

It's been an exciting few months!

Oh yeah, I also turned 30 a couple weeks ago. Woo hoo. Haha! But really, that's a true afterthought. I thought turning 30 would upset me or be this huge thing, but it feels exactly the same as being 29. How anticlimactic!

I think I'll end this entry now. I'm hoping that now that I'm not pregnant, the boys are back in school, and the last few months of crazy events is nearly finished, I'll be able to update more. *crossing fingers*

Here's a picture of Evie to tide you over:

This was taken when she was a month old. She is such a sweetheart!